Boozers are losers

Last night, while sitting around the fire pit with friends, holding my 3rd glass of wine, I was informed by my favorite 4-year-old that "Boozers are Losers". Then, he fell asleep on my lap.

Hiding out

I've been hiding out for the past 2 days. Laying low. My eyes are heavy - that's always a sign I'm feeling down. Another sign is that I want to do nothing and I'm mad for doing nothing. I wish I was one of those people who could just work out to get rid of the blues. Thich Nhat Hanh says to cradle your sorrow. I don't think it counts, but I decided to feed it chocolate peanut butter ice cream with graham crackers crushed in it...it helped...

Random noteworthies:

*I'm obsessed with Annie Lennox's new video "Dark Road". It pulls me in. Moving lyrics, powerful voice. But mostly, I just like watching her sing. Especially when she's singing a sad song in a superhero costume. New album drops Oct. 2. Oh, the anticipation.

*While I wait on Annie, I have plenty of other great new music. Rilo Kiley, New Pornographers, Junior Senior, M.I.A., Tegan & Sara. I made a new playlist with Rilo Kiley, Junior Senior, Tegan & Sara and The B-52's. I got inspired because Kate & Cindy (from B-52's) do guests vocals on the new Junior Senior. Good fun.

*I almost got beat up by a 40-something neighborhood drunk on Monday. When I walked past him and his friends, his friend asked if I had a cigarette. I said "sorry man, I don't smoke". He said "you're gonna smoke in about 5 seconds" and started following me. For 6 blocks. I just kept walking. He was drunk. I felt stupid for not confronting him. Now, I feel stupid for feeling stupid.

*Some friends drunk-dialed me from another HOB going away party last night. It's nice to know that no matter how old you think you are, you're never too old to get drunk-dialed. Ron, I miss you too. Congrats on the new gig.

What is love?

I finished an article in September's Shambhala Sun, written by Velcrow Ripper (yes, his real name, wish I'd thought of it first), who was with Thich Nhat Hanh on his recent trip to his homeland - Vietnam.

He interviews Thay (as he is called) over a meal. He asked him "What is the meaning of Love?"

He answered "The first element of true love is loving-kindness, the capacity of offering joy, offering happiness, relief. The 2nd element is compassion. The third element is joy. And the last element of true love is equanimity, inclusiveness. You do not exclude anyone. No discrimination. This is the very element of true love. If you have love in that spirit, you remain free. You will not suffer and you do not make the other people suffer. And when you have that kind of love within, everything you say, everything you do, expresses that love."

I am meditating on this.

Funny Munny

Today's submission is in visual form. Someone just gave me the Munny sticker at a festival this weekend. I thought I'd draw a clown...or something scary. Well...

My humblest apologies if I offend any Jews, Clowns or Hitlers.

Well, um, no.

I've mentioned them earlier. The save-the-environment street hustlers.

"Do you have a minute for the environment?"

They seem to know my schedule and my route. I dodged 4 of them today. Years ago, I stopped, listened to the 5-minute pitch, even signed up for a minimal monthly contribution (which I cancelled a while ago).

Now, I'm not comfortable giving my credit card info to someone on the street - even if they are wearing an official looking name tag. Nor, do I want to commit to making a regular contribution to any fund. I'd rather just make donations when I feel it makes the most sense for my finances.

And, I don't want to be rude. I don't want to avoid eye contact. I want to smile and say hi.

So, how do I do it, without committing to the pitch? Today's attempts went like this:
Curly-headed hippie guy: "What're you up to today?" Me: "Walking."
Girl with overprocessed bangs: "Do you have a minute for the environment?" Me: "No."
(The other 2 I dodged because I couldn't handle further embarrassment)

Seems like the easiest way out of it is to lie and say I have already signed up. But I don't want to lie. Maybe I should act like I don't speak english, am deaf, confused, urgently looking for a bathroom...

I think I'll try to give them the best "dodge" they hear all day. I'm sure they hate being blown off by people, standing in the sun, on a corner in the downtown noise. That's my goal from now on - make 'em laugh at the guy who didn't have time for the environment because he "had to pee".

just watchin' the rain

It was overcast this weekend, with a good amount of sunshine – and a good amount of rain. Today, it really rained. Hard.

Rain makes me want to cook. I made a big pot of chili. My version is a little WT, but it’s tasty. Especially with a little shredded cheese and Frito’s. I use Yves veggie “ground round” instead of meat. I need to find a recipe appropriate to serve people outside of the South.

When it rains, I am the most content version of myself.

Today, I lit some incense, made some peppermint tea and sat on the table with Pomp, and watched.

Gotta have faith

Guh. I hate looking for a job. I’d really forgotten how much I hate looking for a job. I hate it so much, I start negotiating with myself over which jobs I should consider. My odds are better with an employer with 40 opens positions, rather than an employer with one. Depending on how long I’ve been looking for a job that day, I might even consider being a day laborer moving cadavers in the hot sun rather than spend another hour surfing monster.com.

The problem, really, is that I don’t have any idea what I want to do now. My next gig could be in any field, with any description. So, I have to look at all the job postings. I know that I’ll find jobs I want. I just have to siphon through a lot that probably nobody wants to find them.

On that note: “Now hiring! Grassroots environmental jobs open! Make a difference!”. Every f*cking day. Somedays I even consider it. “Do you have a minute for the environment?”

And, then something good comes along – a good friend, offering work. He doesn’t know how much of a relief it is to know there’s money coming in. I won’t have to consider any job for a little while longer. I can keep looking for the right one.

This week: Pilates Studio Manager, Recycling Specialist with the county.

It feels hokey, but I just keep thinking – You gotta have faith. The biggest lesson I keep learning is that everything works out fine.

Hang on, little tomato

Portland’s pretty cool for a lot of reasons. One of which is that people grow produce in their yards. Apricot trees, walnut trees, pear trees. There are several other unidentified fruit trees in the neighborhood which are cause for great speculation for Cahen and I on our walks.

But that’s just the start. There’s berry vines, squash, cucumber, spices – even corn.

The neighborhood is on the honor system. With the fruit trees and berries, it seems ok to take a little, as long as you’re leaving plenty. The veggies seem off-limits (unless there’s a sign encouraging it). Even the ones growing in front of our apartment complex.

One of our neighbors has a pretty healthy tomato vine in front of the building. It’s got 7 or 8 fruit on it right now. Most of them are still green, one of them is almost overripe.

I want to pick it. So bad. I know it’s wrong, so I fight the urge. But, the damn thing’s been hanging out there, glimmering in the sunshine, it’s juicy goodness on display, for almost a week now.

Should I post a sign in the common area: “Please pick your tomato, it’s taunting me”?

Should I pick it?

They better not let it go bad.

Or the rest of them are fair game.

DQ, I need you

I’m not the type to be lead into temptation. I’ll normally find my own way. And, like usual, I found it: Dairy Queen. Or, more specifically: Dairy Queen’s Blizzards. There’s a DQ way too close to our place. It teases me. It calls to me when I drive nearby.

Then it gets in my head.

The vacuum whirrs “Butterfinger Blizzard” like a ghostly howl. I’m reading a book and lose concentration. Reese’s Blizzard. I wonder if they let you create your own like at Coldstone Creamery. The obsession comes in handy sometimes…when I’m programming it’s fun to plan which flavor I’ll have later. Maybe I’ll have Cahen’s favorite, Caramel Cheesequake. Mmmmm.

But I can’t have one. They’re bad for me. And, I’m trying to live cleaner, healthier, more socially responsible.

Ah, but today…they were hosting a charity for a children’s fund…

Feeling free

Today feels like the day to restart my journal. I’ve been thinking about it for a while. But there hadn’t been much I thought merited recording.

I finished The Favourite Game by Leonard Cohen today. It is beautiful, honest. His words carve images in stone, but as delicately as a falling leaf creates a ripple in a quiet stream. I’m not normally someone who corners pages in a book, but couldn’t help myself. I didn’t want to break to find a post-it (which I normally have handy, but didn’t because of the move) and I needed to have quick access to some of the text.

“Lead me away from safety.”

Of all the powerful notions he writes, this is the one that sings to me today.

I love living in Portland. We have a small but promising group of friends. There’s more to discover than we’ll ever have time – in the city and in the surrounding forests and mountains. And, the food – oh the food. But what I love most is how alive I feel being free from the things I thought I needed – a career, a house, a plasma tv, and on and on.

My mind and my heart are reopening. My creativity is blossoming. My senses are reawakening.

(Thanks to Jon Bloom for recommending the book.)